SIBLING RIVALRY . .  OR HATE ?

By: Pastor Mike

Brothers and Sisters ,

I must be honest with you all . The recent events that have unfolded in the lives of myself , my three older brothers ,and my sister , since my dad’s passing away is what caused me to write this sermon .

Without getting into a " finger-pointing "  contest here , as well as not "airing our dirty laundry " out in public , I feel that we , ( my siblings ) , and myself are NOT alone in this dilemma .

I also wish to state from the outset here that , my dad’s passing has also had some POSITIVE repercussions , e.g., my brothers and I ( INCLUDING my atheist brother ) , have began , and continue to have an open and honest dialogue and , out of respect and consideration for my mom , we have been able to set aside any personal disagreements , without compromising our respective beliefs , ( or lack thereof ) , though my sister ( the "devout religious Catholic " ) , still remains estranged from us - and I , for one , continue to pray not only for her salvation , but that one day she will be able to defeat the hatred that Satan has placed in her heart .

Now , on with the sermon .

There is a HUGE difference , my friends , between anger , disagreement , and HATE !! Also , sibling rivalry is nothing new , even in the Bible , starting with Abel and Cain , then Esau and Jacob , and on to Joseph and his brothers , and then into the New Testament with Martha and Mary . I’ll expound on all of those in a minute , but first I want to say that ANGER , in and of itself , is NOT bad . It’s what we DO with that anger that causes the problems . You see , " anger" can lead to "hate" ( and I’m talking about "hate" of the PERSON - NOT the SIN ! ) , which can literally destroy and kill ! BOTH the soul AND body - if left unchecked .

Now , even Jesus got ANGRY , and He got angry numerous times . However . . He NEVER allowed that "anger " to develop into HATE of THE PERSON(S) .

One case in point is Mark 3:5 , " And when he had looked round about on them with anger, being grieved for the hardness of their hearts, he saith unto the man, Stretch forth thine hand. And he stretched it out: and his hand was restored whole as the other. " Here , Jesus was ANGRY about the Pharisees’ uncaring attitudes . As I said , anger itself is not wrong . It depends on WHAT makes us angry and what we DO WITH our anger . Too often , we express our anger in selfish and harmful ways - and I have been just as guilty of that as the next person ! Here , Jesus expressed His anger by CORRECTING a problem - healing the man’s hand . Hence , we ALL need to use our anger to find constructive SOLUTIONS - and that DOES NOT mean terminating ALL dialogue with the people / person(s) you are angry at .

Another example is 1 Samuel 11:6 ; " And the Spirit of God came upon Saul when he heard those tidings, and his anger was kindled greatly."
Anger is a powerful emotion . Often it may drive people to hurt others with words or physical violence , INCLUDING MURDER ! But anger directed at SIN and the MISTREATMENT of others , be they siblings , parents , or strangers - is NOT wrong . Saul was angered by the Ammonites’ threat to humiliate and mistreat his fellow Israelites . God used Saul’s anger to bring justice and freedom .

Ephesians 4:26-27 tells us ; " Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil. " The Bible doesn’t tell us that we shouldn’t be angry , but it points out that it is important to handle our anger properly . If vented thoughtlessly , anger can hurt others and destroy relationships . If bottled up inside , it can cause us to become bitter and destroy us from within . Paul tells us to deal with our anger immediately in a way that BUILDS relationships rather than DESTROYING them . If we nurse our anger , we will give Satan an opportunity to divide us . Are YOU angry at someone right now ? What can YOU do to RESOLVE your differences ? Don’t let the day end before you begin to work on mending your relationship .

There are times when anger IS appropriate . You think Jesus wasn’t angry at the money changers , as related in John 2:15-16 , when He made whips out of the palm fronds and literally "kicked butt" ? " And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changers' money, and overthrew the tables; And said unto them that sold doves, Take these things hence; make not my Father's house an house of merchandise. "  Now even though Jesus was obviously angry at the merchants who exploited those who had come to God’s house to worship , we must remember that there is a difference between uncontrolled rage and righteous indignation - yet BOTH are called anger . It’s right to be angry about injustice and sin ; but wrong to be angry over trivial personal offenses .

A good example of the above is when Sarah used her anger wrongly against Hagar , as revealed in Genesis 16:6 ; " But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face." You see , Sarai took out her anger against Abram and herself on Hagar , and her treatment was harsh enough to cause Hagar to run away . Anger , especially when it arises from our OWN shortcomings , can be dangerous - EVEN FATAL !!  You see , although Sarai arranged for Hagar to have a child by Abram , she later blamed Abram for the results . It’s often easier to strike out in frustration and point the finger at someone else than to admit an error and ask forgiveness . ( Adam and Eve did the same thing in Genesis 3: 12-13 ; " And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat. " ) .

I could go on and on , but I think you get the point .

Now , allow me to point out three specific cases of sibling rivalry ( HATE ) in the Bible , and we’ll look at each one and seek to draw some lessons from them , OK ?

We’ll start with Abel and Cain .



When the LORD accepted Abel's offering but not Cain's, the latter became angry. God warned Cain about potential sin. But even so, Cain murdered Abel.  This was the first case of sibling rivalry ... with dire consequences  .

Let’s look at Genesis 4:3-5 ; " And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD. And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering: But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell. "

Now , the Bible does not say why God rejected Cain’s offering . Perhaps Cain’s attitude was improper , or perhaps his offering was not up to God’s standards . God evaluates both our motives and the quality of what we offer Him . When we give to God and others , we should have a joyful heart because of what we are able to give . We should NOT worry about HOW MUCH we are giving up , for ALL things are GOD’S in the FIRST PLACE ! Instead , we should joyfully give to God our best in time , money , possessions , and talents .

We now move on to 4:6-7 ; " And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen? If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him. "

How do YOU react when someone suggests you have done something wrong ? Do you move to CORRECT the mistake or DENY that you need to correct it ? After Cain’s offering was rejected , God gave him the chance to right his wrong and try again . God even ENCOURAGED him to do this ! But Cain REFUSED ! , and the rest of his life is a startling example of what happens to those who REFUSE to ADMIT their mistakes .

Now . . Pay close attention here to verses 4:8-10 ; " And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him. And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper? And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground. " The reason why Cain killed Abel was sin ... which was portrayed as crouching at the door ready to control the person who opens the door to temptation ( 4: 7).

This is the FIRST MURDER - taking life by shedding human blood . Blood represents life ( Leviticus 17:10-14 ) . If blood is removed from a living creature , it will die . Since God created life , ONLY God should take life away .

You see , Adam and Eve’s disobedience brought sin into the human race . They may have THOUGHT their sin - eating a "harmless" piece of fruit - wasn’t very bad , but notice how quickly their sinful nature developed in the lives of their children . Simple disobedience suddenly degenerated into outright MURDER ! Adam and Eve acted only against God , but Cain acted against BOTH God and man . So , the lesson here is we need to let God help us with our "little" sins BEFORE they turn into TRAGEDIES !!

Esau and Jacob :



The second case of sibling rivalry was vividly portrayed by Esau and Jacob in their tussle for the blessing. When Esau heard that Jacob had deceitfully taken his blessing, he burst out bitterly. He held a grudge against Jacob and planned to kill him. When did it all begin? It started when Rebekah overheard Isaac's decision to bless Esau. She then schemed to obtain the blessing for Jacob ; Genesis 27:8-10 tells us , " Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to that which I command thee. Go now to the flock, and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savoury meat for thy father, such as he loveth: And thou shalt bring it to thy father, that he may eat, and that he may bless thee before his death. " , and 14-17 tells us , " And he went, and fetched, and brought them to his mother: and his mother made savoury meat, such as his father loved. And Rebekah took goodly raiment of her eldest son Esau, which were with her in the house, and put them upon Jacob her younger son: And she put the skins of the kids of the goats upon his hands, and upon the smooth of his neck: And she gave the savoury meat and the bread, which she had prepared, into the hand of her son Jacob. " When Rebekah learned that Isaac was preparing to bless Esau , she quickly devised a plan to trick him into blessing Jacob instead . Although God had already told her that Jacob would become the family leader ( 25:23 ) , Rebekah took matters into her own hands . She resorted to doing something wrong to try to bring about what God had already said would happen . For Rebekah , the end justified the means . So , the lesson here is , no matter how good we think our goals are , we should NOT attempt to achieve them UNJUSTLY ! Would God approve of the methods YOU are using to accomplish your goals ? But we have to go further back to find the reason for the sibling rivalry.

Rebekah knew that God had chosen Jacob from the beginning (Gen. 25:23). She could have reminded Isaac. She did not. And why did Isaac choose to bless Esau? Did he not know that Jacob was God's choice? Surely, he did ... it was improbable that Rebekah did not tell Isaac that the older (Esau) will serve the younger (Jacob). It might well be that Isaac was present when the LORD told Rebekah of His choice of the younger. How could we account for the separate actions of Rebekah and Isaac ?

Rebekah and Isaac were united in marriage but separate in spirit. They were not communicating with one another. Even after the deception, Rebekah was not speaking the truth with Isaac. When Jacob had to flee from Esau's anger, note the reason that Rebekah gave for Jacob's departure ... that she did not wish for Jacob to make the same mistake of marrying a Hittite or Canaanite woman (Gen. 27:46-28:2 c.f. 26:34-35). There was no mention of sibling rivalry ... of Esau's anger, of Jacob's safety and of the danger of Esau becoming a target for blood revenge if he killed Jacob (c.f. 2 Sam. 14:6-7). Rebekah and Isaac were bad models of communication for their two boys. How parents "fight" or "don't fight" in front of their children communicate important lessons in life about how to treat others. Husband and wife don't agree about everything but we don't have to be unkind towards each other. The "silent" conflict between Rebekah and Isaac was compounded by parental favouritism (Gen. 25:27-28). Esau was a skilful hunter and could satisfy Isaac's love for wild game. It was natural that Isaac loved Esau more. Jacob was a homely boy ... staying among the tents ... always with his mother. It was natural that Rebekah loved Jacob more. There was a kind of compatibility or matching ... Isaac with Esau; Rebekah with Jacob. There was nothing wrong with this drawing together of parent and child. What was wrong was that Rebekah and Isaac drew their sons into their conflict. It was a sad day when one parent unites with a child to deceive the other parent. This case of sibling rivalry has its roots in marital disharmony. Some 20 years later and after their parents had passed away, Esau and Jacob had a happy reunion (Gen. 33:4-11) .

Joseph and his brothers :



Jacob (who should know the dangers of parental favouritism) made the mistake of openly showing his favouritism towards Joseph who was born to him in his old age by his favourite wife, Rachel (Gen. 29:30). Benjamin was also born of Rachel and being the younger would be born when Jacob was even older. Why did Jacob love Joseph more than Benjamin? One possible reason could be that Jacob associated Benjamin with Rachel's death (Gen. 35:16-19). Jacob toiled for seven years to marry the lovely Rachel (Gen. 29:16-20). They waited for a long time before their first child, Joseph was born. It would be unrealistic to expect Jacob not to have special feelings for Joseph (Gen. 37:3). Jacob's mistake was to give Joseph a richly ornamented robe. "And his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers ..." (Gen. 37:4). In other words, his other sons perceived that as favouritism. It would be good if Jacob had made all his children feel special in some ways. No two children are the same. Each child is unique. The challenge for parents is to recognise and treasure each child's special qualities and abilities. Joseph's brothers were jealous of him and would not speak a kind word to him. They called him a dreamer, plotted to kill him, sold him in spite of his pleading, referred to him as "your (Jacob's) son" (Gen. 37:19,26-28,31-32) instead of "our brother." There was no love for Joseph. The following suggest that Joseph may have played a contributing part in aggravating his brothers' anger and jealousy:

- emphasis on Joseph's youth of "17 years of age ... still a youth" (Gen. 37:2) suggested that Joseph lacked the maturity and tact in his relationship with his brothers as supported by subsequent events

- the apparent willingness ("I will go") to see how his brothers and the flocks were faring (Gen. 37:13-14)

- the bad report about his brothers that he brought back to his father (Gen. 37:2)

- his recounting of his dream to his brothers ... "your sheaves ... bowed down to my sheaf" (Gen. 37:5-7)

As a result, they hated him even more for his dreams and for his words (Gen. 37:8). The above do not justify the brothers' actions. But it does help parents to remember that it takes two to quarrel.

Finally , let’s take a look at Martha and Mary .

Their story is talked about in Luke 10: 38-42 ; " Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his word. But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me. And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her. "

Now , at times , many older brothers and sisters have an irritating tendency to take charge , a habit developed while growing up .  We can easily see this pattern in Martha , the older sister of Mary and Lazarus . She was used to being "in control ."

The fact that Martha , Mary , and Lazarus are remembered for their hospitality takes on added significance when we note that hospitality was a social requirement in their culture . It was considered shameful to turn anyone away from your door . Apparently Martha’s family met this requirement very well .

Martha worried about details . She wished to please , to serve , to do the right thing - but she often succeeded in making everyone around her uncomfortable . Perhaps as the oldest she feared shame if her home did not measure up to expectations . She tried to do everything she could to make sure that wouldn’t happen . As a result , she found it hard to relax and enjoy her guests , and even harder to accept Mary’s lack of cooperation in all the preparations . Martha’s frustration was so intense that she finally asked Jesus to settle the matter . He gently corrected her attitude and showed her that her priorities , though good , were not the best . The personal attention she gave her guests should be more important than the comforts she tried to provide for them .

Later , following her brother Lazarus’s death , Martha could hardly help being herself . When she heard Jesus was finally coming , she rushed out to meet Him and expressed her inward conflict of disappointment and hope . Jesus pointed out that her hope was too limited . He was not only LORD beyond death , He was LORD OVER death - the resurrection and the life ! Moments later , Martha again spoke without thinking , pointing out that four-day-old corpses are well on their way to decomposition . Her awareness of details sometimes kept her from seeing the whole picture , but Jesus was consistently patient with her .

In our last picture of Martha , she is once again serving a meal to Jesus and His disciples . She has not stopped serving . But the Bible records her silence this time . She has begunto learn what her younger sister already knew , that worship begins with SILENCE AND LISTENING .

So , the lesson we learn here is , Mary and Martha both loved Jesus . On this occasion they were both seving Him . But Martha thought Mary’s style of serving was inferior to hers . She didn’t realize that in her desire to serve , she was actually NEGLECTING her guest . Are you so busy doing things FOR Jesus that you’re not spending any time WITH Him ? Don’t let your service become SELF-SERVING ! Jesus did not blame Martha for being concerned about household chores . He was only asking her to set priorities . Service to Christ can degenerate into mere busywork that is no longer full of devotion to God .

I pray that if any of you are experiencing "sibling rivalry" - regardless of what is said , done , threatened , implied , or all four - do NOT let it grow into HATRED ! Just let it go , and I KNOW , from PERSONAL EXPERIENCE , that is easier said than done . As Christians , we should just continue to pray for the sibling (s) who are continuing to foster the HATE in THEIR hearts , and attempt to "build bridges" - NOT "walls " between us .

May God bless and keep you all - always . .

Your brother in Christ - Pastor Mike